Non-Materialistic Gifting: 3 Strategies

In last month's post on the Essential Rules of Modern Gift Giving, asserted that gift giving is not a materialistic enterprise. 

Of course, anyone who watches TV within 2 months of the holidays might find it hard to remember this rule. Retail stores have done a wonderful job of convincing us to spend more and more with subtle tactics. Notice, for instance, if you shop online, that many sites have a gifts section, and that some divide them into categories by price. It used to be common to find an "Under $10," but increasingly, it's more like "Under $50." When Under $50 is the lowest category, the implication is that surely no one would be looking for a cheaper gift than that... right?

Well, we disagree. As we also said in last month's post, the value of the gift is according to its worth to the recipient, not its price.  To keep that in focus, we suggest 3 strategies for non-materialistic gift giving.

1. Set a Price Limit

If you're doing a gift exchange with friends, try setting a price limit ahead of time. While this can help keep gift giving budget-friendly, that's not the real benefit. When you're forced to stay under a particular limit (and this works especially well if the limit is pretty low), you have to get creative. You will automatically begin thinking of ways to pick something that will be of more value to the recipient than what you actually pay for it. 

Example: I have a price limit arrangement with one good friend around birthday gifts. Last year she gave me a set of "secret message pens" from a toy store. My brother and sister-in-law were visiting me for my birthday, and we had a lot of fun writing secret messages like we were little kids. It was a great gift for under $10.

2. Give Symbolic Gifts

As we've said before, gifts mirror to the recipient something about the kind of person you think they are. Be conscious of that. Find something of symbolic importance, rather than monetary value. Often it's the symbolic gifts that wind up being lifelong favorites. 

Example: In the movie Pan's Labyrinth, there's a scene in which the main character draws a door on the wall with chalk and goes through it to another reality. After a conversation about the movie, a friend and mentor gave me a gift of a piece of chalk. It was one of the best gifts I've ever gotten.

3. Focus on Meaning

We spend the most on gifts when time is pressing, when we realize, at the last minute, that Mom's birthday is tomorrow, and we haven't even started looking yet. Sometimes we spend more out of guilt, or just to get a social obligation out of the way. Even when time is not an issue, we tend to think of the price question first: Is this a $20 occasion? Or a $50 one? Focusing on meaning instead of price can lead us to make better choices. That's not to say that the price question has no place in the discussion, but perhaps it should not be the first question. Ask yourself instead, what can I give this person that would convey my love and support? Where is he in his life right now, and what can I offer to let him know he is cared for? 

Example: I had a roommate during a rough and transitional year of college who I've kept in touch with ever since. A few years ago, when I found myself in a rough spot again, she sent me a care package and included an old, chipped mug from the apartment we shared that year, along with a note that read, "I just thought you could use a reminder that you can get through anything." 

We'd love to have readers ad to this list: Let us know what your strategies are for de-materializing gift-giving. 

Gift Story: The Dirt Track Race

Not long ago, we advocated the giving of selfless gifts. We suggested you consider spending time with the recipient doing something she likes and you hate, something you might never do otherwise.

Well, I decided to take my own advice: I went with my boyfriend to a dirt track race.

He was on cloud nine. Dirt track racing is one of his favorite things in the world, whereas my only experience with racing was watching the occasional 15 minutes of NASCAR before getting bored and retreating to the next room with a book. (I mean, seriously, all they do is turn left...) While I found dirt track racing slightly more interesting, alas, I'm unlikely ever to be much of a racing fan. But the experience did teach me something about how to approach to giving selfless event-going gifts.

Put Down Your Persona

This type of gift works best when the event in question is something that you would never otherwise do. The problem is, there's most likely a good reason you would never do said activity: It just isn't you. It's likely to take you out of comfortable, familiar territory. You may even feel a bit embarrassed to be wherever you are.

So it's important to begin with the right attitude: Put down your persona.

Your persona is the mask you wear in day to day life, the character you want everyone to see. But since whatever it is you're about to do likely doesn't fit with that, it's important to set the image aside before you even get started. If you don't, you're likely to have a miserable time, and if you have a miserable time, your gift recipient will as well.

Find Something to Enjoy

Even if it's not your thing, chances are you can find something to become interested in and possibly even enjoy.

For instance, during one of the races, the announcer read the names of each driver on the track. He pointed out one car that was painted blue with pink wheels. It was a female driver, and she was making her racing debut that evening. The announcer joked about the pink wheels, but I was immediately intrigued. Racing is still pretty male-dominated, and here was a woman about to race for the first time. I rooted for her the whole night. She didn't win anything, but she held her own, and I had found some aspect of the evening that held my interest.

Be an Anthropologist

Get curious about the event or activity you're attending. Notice the details and figure out the rules. What kinds of people enjoy this type of thing? What about it seems to appeal to them? For that matter, what is it that your gift recipient likes about it? Ask some good questions to keep yourself entertained and to show your recipient you are present and engaging with the experience. Bring a camera and take some pictures.

I found out that my boyfriend likes dirt track better than NASCAR because dirt is much slicker, and it takes more skill to race a car on dirt. He also likes that the drivers are local people who have a passion for cars and racing and typically put their own money into fixing up cars to race. That told me something about dirt track racing, but more importantly, it told me something about him.

Don't Fake Enthusiasm

The recipient most likely knows you're not discovering a new passion; you're there for him or her. Make every effort to have a good time, and by all means, don't sulk, but don't fake enthusiasm either.

Did I clap and cheer for the winning drivers? Absolutely. Did I let my boyfriend buy me a Dale Earnhardt Jr. tank top with the number "88" in rhinestones on the front? Uh.... NO.

Photo by Mike Swope

How to Give Selfless Gifts

A good principle to follow when selecting a gift for anyone, any occasion: Make it about the recipient.

With that in mind, I will suggest a nearly foolproof strategy for ensuring gift satisfaction, especially when it comes to giving a gift to your significant other.

Think of something he or she loves to and you can't stand. Then set aside your distaste and do whatever it is anyway. Go to that restaurant he likes and you hate. Go to the ballet or the dirt track race or the exhibit on antique doorknobs, whatever it is you would never otherwise agree to.

If you really can't bring yourself to do that, give your recipient permission to go with someone else at your expense. We sometimes forget that even in the best of relationships, no one person can be everything to the other. Part of honoring the uniqueness of friends, family and partners is appreciating the aspects of the person that are outside the domain of the relationship, even the things you may never understand.

A selfless gift gives your recipient space and freedom and can make her feel accepted for who she is.