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In keeping with our appreciation for the simple and homemade Gift...

Simple Gifts

Beyond the Wishlist

As always this past Christmas, members of my immediate family exchanged wishlists prior to Christmas. Because we are a particularly bookish family, most of us had Amazon.com wishlists that were dominated by books. My own included a number of volumes on my various interests: Narrative therapy, sustainable agriculture, vegetarian cooking, etc.

My boyfriend decided to give me a book but picked something that was not on my wishlist - a beautiful hardback, which I consider a luxury, since I never buy hardbacks for myself. "I looked at your wishlist," he said. "All the books on it looked boring. You need to relax and read a good story."

The book is The Story of Edgar Sawtelle. I just started reading it, and thus far, I love it. He's right; it is a really good story, and it's the thing I find myself most eager to reach for when I get home at the end of a busy workday and need to relax.

Wishlists are a great thing, and they can give us a place to start from when choosing a gift for someone. But how often do we really know what we want or need? Often the people closest to us know better than we do, and the best gifts are the ones that go beyond what's on our wishlist.

The Holiday in Review

Now that the holidays have come and gone, we'd love to hear how your gift exchanges went. What were your favorite gifts to give this year? To receive? What brilliant ideas did you have, and what bombed?

On Graciousness and Gift Receipts

Food writer Monica Bhide wrote a post on the Renegade Writer Blog this week about the art of being gracious.

I love this post because it highlights the process of gift-giving and receiving, not the gift itself. It echoes what we've said in previous posts here about being a courteous recipient, note writing, and the way in which goods gifts demonstrate to recipients that they are truly known.

If I disagree with one thing in Monica's post, it's her position on gift receipts. She feels that including a receipt introduces a level of practicality that does damage to graciousness. While I see her point, I actually believe including a gift receipt can take graciousness to a whole different level. It communicates an acknowledgment that, although your intention is to give something that is truly valued and needed, the recipient may have a more pressing need that could be addressed. Especially in these economic times, I think it's great to communicate to your recipient that you care about her needs and wants enough that your feelings won't be hurt if the gift is returned.

The inclusion of the gift receipt does not, however, absolve you of the need to be thoughtful and well-intentioned in your choice of a gift. It is not acceptable to say, oh well, I can give any old thing, and if he doesn't like it, he'll return it.

What are your thoughts? Do you include gift receipts? Why or why not?

When Gift Certificates Are a Good Idea

In a previous post, we suggested the Target gift card as a good gift for a third tier person (i.e., someone you don't know particularly well but are obligated to give a gift to). But this is not the only gift exchange situation for which a gift card is a good option.

Given the state of our economy at present, people are cutting back on all kinds of discretionary spending. Consider the fact that giving a gift card to someone under financial stress means giving him the ability to buy something he needs or wants for himself. 

The freedom of being able to shop for oneself can be a real shot in the arm.  This may be the perfect year for gift card giving.

Necessity is the Mother of Invention

I am stating the obvious when I say that we are in difficult economic times... and how we manage Christmas giving this year will inevitably be affected.

This does not need to be a bad thing; in fact, we should greet this as an excuse to throw old patterns of pointless excess and boredom in our gift-giving out, and start new traditions. When you have less money to work with, it forces you to become more inventive and adaptive in where you spend your money and time. For anyone who's ever watched Top Chef or Project Runway, you know what I'm talking about - inevitably, when given the challenge to create a dish/garment with severe limitations on time, ingredients/materials and expense, contestants have come up with some of their most artistic and ground-breaking ideas. On the opposite side of that, when they are given free rein on their commodities, time, and range of scope, they all too often are hamstrung by the excess of choice and produce weak or simply bad results.

When I lost my job three years ago, it resulted in a specific theme: Re-gifting and Recycling Roulette. Almost everything I gave was either regifted, recycled, or free. It ended up being one of the most enjoyable and satisfying gift-giving seasons I have ever had. This year, it has thematically become a Homemade Holiday. Almost everything I am giving is homemade - crocheted amigurumi critters for children and girlfriends who enjoy cute things, homemade vanilla extract, which is an expensive commodity when purchased at a grocery store, but cheap to make in bulk, and eminently useful.

• Take a mental inventory of your skills - are you good at making something useful or artistic? Consider how you can translate that into gifts.
• Try to learn a new skill to make something useful or in demand. I found the recipe for vanilla online quite by accident, and decided to learn how to make amigurumi so I could always make a little something if I couldn't afford to buy a present for baby showers.
• Think of what your family and friends can genuinely use or appreciate - don't just present them with a wooden doghouse if they live in a heavily populated downtown high-rise! Make them something they can easily make room for.

I'm not saying to make wooden toys for your grandkids who have no appreciation for anything that isn't a Wii; be smart and realistic in how you translate your talents into presents. You'll enjoy it a lot more, you'll receive more compliments (!) and respect for being Green and more personally involved.

I learned how to make really good cookies years ago so I could take them to events to please and impress people so they would like me. It usually works, which is why I am still making things to this day. ;)

How to Write a Note

There is one incredibly simple, inexpensive way to make any gift much more meaningful: include a note. 

A well-written, heartfelt note is the difference between a so-so gift and a touching, memorable one. There are a number of approaches you can take. 

1. Tell the recipient why you chose the gift.

There's a scene in the holiday classic It's a Wonderful Life where Mary stands on the steps of a new house, hands the new owners a loaf of bread, and says, "Bread, that this house may never know hunger." 

A simple note of explanation turns an ordinary gift into a meaningfully symbolic one. Even if your gift isn't symbolic, a note can go a long way. Start your note with:

I wanted you to have this because..., or

This reminded me of you because....

2. Tell a story.

Everyone has a different perspective on even the most well-remembered events. Write a note that tells a story involving the recipient from your point of view. This is the perfect type of note to include with a photo gift, especially when the photo depicts an important family event or rite of passage like a wedding or graduation. 

2. Use an Oprah writing prompt.

Recently Oprah Winfrey did an entire show on thrifty holiday practices, with note-writing was a central feature. Oprah suggests starting notes with:

What I love about you is...

Thank you for..., or, 

My holiday wish for you is....

Notes like these can accompany a gift, or they can be the gift. 

Image by Zsuzsanna Kilián

Obligations

Aerin's Cranberry Blog has a great post on the subject of obligation.

Aerin raises good questions: Are you obligated to give a gift to someone who gives a gift to you? Are you obligated to give them a gift that is as expensive as the one you received?

I really like Aerin's take on this subject (and not just because she gives this blog a shout out).

I'd like to hear readers' thoughts on this. How do you deal with the question of obligation in gift exchanges?

An Object Lesson

I have begun to crochet what are known as amigurumi, which is Japanese for "knitted stuffed toy." Most amigurumi nowadays are crocheted instead of knitted. I wanted to develop a skill that would allow me to make little home-made presents that would be unusual and fun.

One of my first amigurumi gifts was a little pair of fishes to my friend Jen for her cats. She was delighted with them, and sent me the following thank-you note:

Dear Aunt Susan,

Thank you very much for our new kitty toys. We especially appreciate them because you made them by hand. We have tried to kill the toys by batting them, biting them, kicking them, and scratching them. We have not succeeded in destroying them. Today, while Jennifer is at work, we plan to dunk the goldfish in our water bowl. Maybe we can drown them!
Thanks again,

Love, Jesco and Ellie the Kitties

A simple handmade toy, and a delightful thank-you note. All gift exchanges should end so well!

When Greed Prevails

Wal-Mart Employee Trampled to Death

Please read the article, and consider if this is the way you want to remember Christmas; as a race for bargains.  When shopping for gifts becomes a greedy mob activity, then it's time to stop.

On "Just" Giving a Gift

I have a bone to pick with holiday retail advertising, and the retailer that's been especially bugging me the last couple of years is Sears, with the slogan, "Don't just give a gift. Grant a wish." Last year's TV commercials, for instance, had a Dad receiving not just a tool or a tool set, but a whole garage full of tools. 

The idea, of course, is that the prices are so low, you can afford more. But that's only part of the message that comes across. At a time when unemployment is incredibly high, and lots of people are struggling, advertisers are also letting us know that it is no longer acceptable to "just" give a gift. We must now also grant wishes.

Let me be clear: This is ridiculous. 

There is no "just" about gift-giving. Picking out a meaningful gift for someone you care about, making a sincere effort to bring them him joy, is a big deal. The act of remembering the one tool he needed and making a special effort to find it will time and time again outpace any amount of money spent on a garage full of tools. 

This holiday season, "just" give a meaningful, heartfelt gift. It will go a long, long way.

Group Gifts

I am turning 40 next month. This is a time of potential trauma for anyone, but a close circle of friends have already set me off on the best foot possible by making a Pre-emptive Birthday Strike.

I have been celebrating birthdays with these "Sisters" of mine for about a decade now, and these celebrations have followed a predictable pattern; dinner, cards, and little presents. But this year they decided to do something different to commemorate this landmark birthday. They all chipped in and got me a beautiful necklace, set with my birthstone.

This was, in every way, ideal for me; I am trying to scale back on the amount of stuff I have in my house and I love blue topazes/aquamarines. It was literally the smallest present they could have gotten me, but was so much more special than an array of tokens like notecards, books, and candles (useful as they are!)

This is a gift that has the weight of 5 people behind it - their combined affection, and wish to commemorate this significant birthday. It's not the money spent that makes it more valuable, but the fact that they combined to give it. There's an old proverb that individual strands of a robe can be easily broken, but when combined together, are almost impossible to break. In that sense, this necklace will always have an added dimension of strength and love for me.

I suspect that most of us find it easier to go ahead and get a present on our own; but how much more valued and memorable a present can be when it is the result of several people's time and money!

Hierarchy of Needs: Part Three

In part three of our series on gift-giving and the hierarchy of needs, we'll talk about giving gifts as a way of fulfilling the need to both give and receive love, affection and a sense of belonging. 

All occasions are appropriate times to let the people in your life know they are loved. Even a poor choice lets the recipient know that someone cared enough to try. Gifts of belonging communicate to a person that she has a supportive community of people around them. One of the biggest ways we communicate belonging is by our presence. Showing up at a wedding, bar mitzvah or graduation lets a loved one know that they belong to a community who will show up to witness important life events. 

There are more tangible, symbolic ways communicate belonging as well. In my family, my Mom is the guru of "belonging gifts." When my two sisters-in-law joined the family, she gave them recipe boxes with cards containing family recipes and included some blank cards so they could add to the collection. For the first Christmas my brother and his wife spent in their new home, far away from the rest of our family, my sister-in-law mentioned that she had ben looking for some glass ornaments for their tree, something that would reflect the colored lights. Mom remembered an old chandelier that used to hang over the dining room table when we were kids. She pulled it out of the attic and took apart the dangling prisms, sending a box of them to each of us as Christmas ornaments. 

Gifts like these remind us that we belong, that we are loved, and that the old bonds are still intact even when we move on in our lives.  

Opting Out

We've discussed the fact that gift giving is an essential social skill, and that it is unacceptable to opt out of the practice altogether. But there are some circumstances in which opting out of the gift exchange process is the best thing you can do. 

Since we started writing this blog, for instance, Susan and I have mutually agreed never to give each other gifts. Why, you ask? We considered the possibilities:

"Hmm... a Target gift card. Great. Apparently you think of me as a third tier person."

It is not necessary to give gifts for every occasion, in every relationship. The important thing is that, if you opt out in the context of a particular relationship or situation, all involved should agree on the arrangement, and no one should be pressured into agreeing with the no-gifts rule.

December Birthdays

Having been born in early December, I have become accustomed to a certain lack of attention regarding my birthday. The holiday season, from Thanksgiving onward, has become such a morass of Christmas parties, special year-end events and office lunches/dinners, that to try and celebrate a birthday as well seems excessive. The holiday flood washes over the Birthday-ees as well as those friends and family who want to pay proper attention; both are overwhelmed with all of the required activities of the month - shopping, travel, parties, etc. All too often, it results in a combination Birthday/Christmas gift, which is supposed to be a bigger gift than either one alone, but all too often is just what you would have given for Christmas anyway. After all, "they'll never know!"

So, what to do? We're all too busy, and picking a birthday gift with the kind of thought and attention we're advocating is hardly going to be convenient or enjoyable. Well, for starters:

• you can count on significantly lowered expectations from the Sagittari and Capricorns in question. They've become accustomed to being stiffed or forgotten. Heck, we scraped the bottom of the barrel when it comes to birthstones - I mean, turquoise or zircon... really?
  
• you can Hunter-Gather ahead of time, and have something gift-wrapped and ready.
• failing that, you can make even the smallest effort to give them a birthday gift separate from Christmas, and it will be appreciated. Even if you haven't had time to plan ahead or get a great gift, you can still get them a gift card to a nice restaurant, or some sort of treat that says "I thought about it... I didn't forget you."
• propose a date in January to celebrate properly with your group of friends/family.

I should mention, in the interest of full disclosure, that Kathryn and I have decided NOT to give each other gifts from this point onward; having set ourselves up as knowledgable and thoughtful about gift-giving, we should probably fail miserably!

Hierarchy of Needs: Part Two

Earlier this month, we raised the question, how do you give a gift that is truly needed, and we presented the hierarchy of needs.

In this post, we'll address the first two layers: physiological and safety needs.

Gifts that address physiological needs

At the bottom of the pyramid lie the most basic needs, the necessities without which we cannot survive for long: food, water, shelter, clothing. Someone who is deprived of these things will typically spend all available energy seeking to secure them. This is the level at which the survival instinct functions, and the other needs in the hierarchy have virtually no chance, so long as the physiological needs are pressing.

While most of our readers are unlikely to find themselves in these circumstances on a regular basis, gifts that address basic physiological needs are important. Charitable gifts often fall into this category.

Gifts that address safety needs

Think of the last time you experienced a serious shakeup and were reminded just how unpredictable life is. Perhaps you had a car wreck, you lost your job, or developed a serious illness, and suddenly you felt anything but safe. The world seemed like a dark and unstable place in which anything could (and probably would) happen.

There are any number of occasions when gifts that speak to this need may be the way to go. When a loved one is in the midst of a major life transition, you can give gifts that help them to feel safer, or reminds them that help is available when the unexpected occurs. "Safety" gifts are also appropriate for someone who has experienced an unexpected setback, such as divorce, death of a loved one, or loss of a job.

When I was 22 and moving to a sketchy (but cheap) neighborhood in a new city, my brother gave me a pepper spray keychain. Thankfully, I never had to use it, but it did remind me that I was not helpless in the face of danger. A nurse I know makes up first aid kits to give to kids in her family who go off to college. She includes a thermometer, cold medicine, band-aids, and most importantly, her phone number for medical questions. Car safety kits and prepaid calling cards for emergencies are other possibilities.

Notice that in these first two levels of need, we aren't necessarily talking about gifts for occasions, like birthdays (though graduations are perfect opportunities for safety gifts). Sometimes the best opportunity for a gift is when it's not expected, but definitely needed.

Non-Materialistic Gifting: 3 Strategies

In last month's post on the Essential Rules of Modern Gift Giving, asserted that gift giving is not a materialistic enterprise. 

Of course, anyone who watches TV within 2 months of the holidays might find it hard to remember this rule. Retail stores have done a wonderful job of convincing us to spend more and more with subtle tactics. Notice, for instance, if you shop online, that many sites have a gifts section, and that some divide them into categories by price. It used to be common to find an "Under $10," but increasingly, it's more like "Under $50." When Under $50 is the lowest category, the implication is that surely no one would be looking for a cheaper gift than that... right?

Well, we disagree. As we also said in last month's post, the value of the gift is according to its worth to the recipient, not its price.  To keep that in focus, we suggest 3 strategies for non-materialistic gift giving.

1. Set a Price Limit

If you're doing a gift exchange with friends, try setting a price limit ahead of time. While this can help keep gift giving budget-friendly, that's not the real benefit. When you're forced to stay under a particular limit (and this works especially well if the limit is pretty low), you have to get creative. You will automatically begin thinking of ways to pick something that will be of more value to the recipient than what you actually pay for it. 

Example: I have a price limit arrangement with one good friend around birthday gifts. Last year she gave me a set of "secret message pens" from a toy store. My brother and sister-in-law were visiting me for my birthday, and we had a lot of fun writing secret messages like we were little kids. It was a great gift for under $10.

2. Give Symbolic Gifts

As we've said before, gifts mirror to the recipient something about the kind of person you think they are. Be conscious of that. Find something of symbolic importance, rather than monetary value. Often it's the symbolic gifts that wind up being lifelong favorites. 

Example: In the movie Pan's Labyrinth, there's a scene in which the main character draws a door on the wall with chalk and goes through it to another reality. After a conversation about the movie, a friend and mentor gave me a gift of a piece of chalk. It was one of the best gifts I've ever gotten.

3. Focus on Meaning

We spend the most on gifts when time is pressing, when we realize, at the last minute, that Mom's birthday is tomorrow, and we haven't even started looking yet. Sometimes we spend more out of guilt, or just to get a social obligation out of the way. Even when time is not an issue, we tend to think of the price question first: Is this a $20 occasion? Or a $50 one? Focusing on meaning instead of price can lead us to make better choices. That's not to say that the price question has no place in the discussion, but perhaps it should not be the first question. Ask yourself instead, what can I give this person that would convey my love and support? Where is he in his life right now, and what can I offer to let him know he is cared for? 

Example: I had a roommate during a rough and transitional year of college who I've kept in touch with ever since. A few years ago, when I found myself in a rough spot again, she sent me a care package and included an old, chipped mug from the apartment we shared that year, along with a note that read, "I just thought you could use a reminder that you can get through anything." 

We'd love to have readers ad to this list: Let us know what your strategies are for de-materializing gift-giving. 

Hierarchy of Needs: Part One

We all want to give a gift that is useful, something that is needed. But what is it that we really need? In general, Western civilization enjoys affluence and privilege that was unheard of a generation ago. While we may have fleeting thoughts that perhaps we need a bigger house, a better car, or a new cell phone, we instinctively know these are not “real” needs. So what are real needs? In 1943, Abraham Maslow attempted to answer this question with a theory commonly known as “Maslow’s hierarchy,” which helps breakdown what fundamental human needs are, and how we go about getting those needs met. Maslow’s hierarchy looks something like this:

This concept of needs poses a few ideas that differ from how we normally think when it comes to gifts, but it's a really useful tool to bear in mind when coming up with gift ideas:

1) It considers more than literal, physical needs.

Most of the time, when we ask ourselves, "what do I really need," we are looking for the bare necessities: food on the table, a place to live, or a source of income. But if we embrace Maslow's ideas, we admit that we also have an actual need for community, meaning, and self-development. We have a need to grow as human beings, not just to survive, but to prosper.

2) It shows us that needs are relative.

Not all needs carry the same weight. A person may not think so much about social needs if their basic physiological need for food is not fulfilled. And it's very hard to think about self-development when you're worried about actual physical safety! On the flipside, the hierarchy suggests that when a person has a measure of security as, thankfully, many of us in Western society do, other needs become pressing: love, belonging, etc.

3) It includes self actualization.

The hierarchy suggests that we have an actual need to self-actualize; to become everything we are capable of being.

This has a number of implications for gift giving. What do you get for the person who has everything? You might take a look at the hierarchy and ask yourself, what does this person actually need? Know that when you give a gift that helps a person fulfill a need, you are actually helping them move towards self-actualization. It's hard to think of a better motivation or reason for gift giving.

In an upcoming series of posts, we'll discuss the different layers of the hierarchy and the types of gifts that speak to each level of need.

A Word of Advice

Do not give a gift when you're feeling bitter against the recipient. Nothing good ever comes of that. Wait til later, if necessary.

Don't write blog entries when you're feeling bitter either. ;)

Gift Story: The Dirt Track Race

Not long ago, we advocated the giving of selfless gifts. We suggested you consider spending time with the recipient doing something she likes and you hate, something you might never do otherwise.

Well, I decided to take my own advice: I went with my boyfriend to a dirt track race.

He was on cloud nine. Dirt track racing is one of his favorite things in the world, whereas my only experience with racing was watching the occasional 15 minutes of NASCAR before getting bored and retreating to the next room with a book. (I mean, seriously, all they do is turn left...) While I found dirt track racing slightly more interesting, alas, I'm unlikely ever to be much of a racing fan. But the experience did teach me something about how to approach to giving selfless event-going gifts.

Put Down Your Persona

This type of gift works best when the event in question is something that you would never otherwise do. The problem is, there's most likely a good reason you would never do said activity: It just isn't you. It's likely to take you out of comfortable, familiar territory. You may even feel a bit embarrassed to be wherever you are.

So it's important to begin with the right attitude: Put down your persona.

Your persona is the mask you wear in day to day life, the character you want everyone to see. But since whatever it is you're about to do likely doesn't fit with that, it's important to set the image aside before you even get started. If you don't, you're likely to have a miserable time, and if you have a miserable time, your gift recipient will as well.

Find Something to Enjoy

Even if it's not your thing, chances are you can find something to become interested in and possibly even enjoy.

For instance, during one of the races, the announcer read the names of each driver on the track. He pointed out one car that was painted blue with pink wheels. It was a female driver, and she was making her racing debut that evening. The announcer joked about the pink wheels, but I was immediately intrigued. Racing is still pretty male-dominated, and here was a woman about to race for the first time. I rooted for her the whole night. She didn't win anything, but she held her own, and I had found some aspect of the evening that held my interest.

Be an Anthropologist

Get curious about the event or activity you're attending. Notice the details and figure out the rules. What kinds of people enjoy this type of thing? What about it seems to appeal to them? For that matter, what is it that your gift recipient likes about it? Ask some good questions to keep yourself entertained and to show your recipient you are present and engaging with the experience. Bring a camera and take some pictures.

I found out that my boyfriend likes dirt track better than NASCAR because dirt is much slicker, and it takes more skill to race a car on dirt. He also likes that the drivers are local people who have a passion for cars and racing and typically put their own money into fixing up cars to race. That told me something about dirt track racing, but more importantly, it told me something about him.

Don't Fake Enthusiasm

The recipient most likely knows you're not discovering a new passion; you're there for him or her. Make every effort to have a good time, and by all means, don't sulk, but don't fake enthusiasm either.

Did I clap and cheer for the winning drivers? Absolutely. Did I let my boyfriend buy me a Dale Earnhardt Jr. tank top with the number "88" in rhinestones on the front? Uh.... NO.

Photo by Mike Swope